I thought I could be strong, but I was wrong.

That night in the apartment I lied where I was that afternoon.. Sadly I think that was the only lie I ever told you She called me, under false pretense, saying that she was the landlord of my home; she was just standing there The look in her eye of disgusts almost struck me down,

I was weak, she told me that You will never be accepted; if they knew that you loved a man that you would be treated like an outcast, a freak.. That wouldn’t be good for the company

She asked me, if I really wanted to see you on the streets? Alfred homeless and Minju working minimum wage to survive? She told me I shouldn’t be selfish that if I loved you I shouldn’t let you go do this, to be ridiculed for someone you love, she told me that Samara would be the “normal choice”

Please forgive me.. I never meant to hurt you.. I knew I was important in your life but at the time I had to decide on my own that I couldn’t allow to see your family go down like that.. To have the world you knew crash before your eyes.. She made me believe I was replaceable.. And even though I wanted to fight I couldn’t risk putting your family through this, to put you through this..

But most of all, I’m sorry it took six months to tell you this.. I’m sorry that made you decided to love was so weak.. But I just want you to know that my actions only took place in efforts to save you.

Hey Cilli. it’s me again, how are you?
Did you get my letters? I’ve sent you one every two weeks;
I’m not sure if you’re getting them or not.

Or perhaps maybe you’re ignoring them..  How are you?
Already been five months, today things got a little better,
I finally had three meals a day this past week..
You really don’t have to worry about me I think I’m getting better,

How are you? The other day I was walking to the park I must have sat under that tree for hours,
remember the one you took me to? I remember..
The glasses you got me actually came in great use.

I’ve come to the decision that daylight holds no need in my life anymore;
for every time I look up I can’t help but think of you, your sky blue eyes watching over me..

Whether or not it be with love or hate; as long as I have your gaze upon me I don’t think I am afraid anymore..

How are you? You know after spending so much time with someone it’s almost cruel that you don’t know anything about that person,

I call you at your office but I always seem to catch you at a meeting..

I hear you’re happy with a another person.. i hear he makes you smile..
I Thank this stranger..

I’m so proud of you, I was so proud to have you, a family man, a gentle man. How are you? I just really need to hear that you’re happy and that you’re safe.

………; I’m sorry.

I couldn’t believe it
Please tell me it’s not true Cillian,
Did my attempts at saving you truly drove you to this?
Alcohol? They saw you, the students you once met when we were in Paris.

They actually transferred to a performing arts school in New York..
They told me they saw you tonight, drink after drink the man beside you fed..
Did I create this?
A man so hurt that he needs to rely on alcohol to relieve his pain?

I am truly sorry.. If I indeed created this monster I would go to hell and back to
return the man I once knew.. To have a memory of him,

instead of a vision of one leaving with another..
They told me they’ve seen you around with him, so many others have..
Thought of you actually loving someone other than me..
Why, I just can’t bring myself to Bare it.

Do you remember

Do you remember that day that we sat by the park;

it was a place we can be alone,
where no one knows and it was far from home.

You held my hand, even though we got strange looks.
We were silent but I felt so at ease; we watched the stars fly over the night sky, that one evening at the museum.  

It felt like a dream, I remember your scent; so musky and sweet.

The static of your embrace. As we kissed it send shocks Wave through my body like a chemical, there was nothing like that.

When we met you were almost like a pure element; was I a virus?
Did I taint you?

The heavens above reminded me of you; I often question how so?
How big, how blue, how beautiful.. All your colors seem to shine,
sadly I don’t think I can ever be the same again.
But I promise.. I will never be afraid again;

As time passed by I have swallowed defeat and now I listen to my heart.

It’s morning yet again, but a sky so bright all I see is rain. I took a good look around my room, I’m all alone and no one is near Would someone please rewind my spring quickly, for me?

I really thought that kind of guy only came in Anime, A living fantasy come to life, only to have me crash down to earth; to reality. I have to stop with saying these things, and start preparing on my own. To others “oh well, what ever” has become my phrase. I replay that line from yesterday without a single eye gaze, I was wrong.. I shouldn’t have runaway I guess deep down inside I didn’t have any expectations of me anymore But what came, Words of shame escaping from my throat again; they are and always will be nothing but dirty lies..

Today I finally realize this is the price I have to pay, and so it goes and no one knows if it will ever stop. But tell me, why do you intend to keep your secret? Are you afraid that they will laugh if they will know it?

I understand that I am a sea of contradiction, I don’t know how to get up, i’m a weak have no choice. during these past months I have had the opportunity to take a long hard look in the mirror, I’m not anywhere and even with my preparation I start to think with self-doubt Sometimes I feel like screaming, like crying, like shouting out of wildness from my heart..

but one thing has come clear to me; Just be happy The morning sun will always rise it is cruel but it’s fair. perhaps I’ve lost my chance with you but all I really want… Is to see you smile again.

Thank you.

I didn’t think this day would come, to be honest I didn’t think any of those days would come

When you met me you didn’t actually see me but a shell of what I was what I used to be, you only know small fractions of particles of what I let you see all the good.

I always ask myself would you leave me if I told you what I’ve done but with you I’ve become something else almost as if you were that medicine that made all my sickness go away, how is it that you could notice me? I was just standing there blatantly just looking at a sign wondering what my plane will take off but you still saw me almost like seeing a ant in a crowd

I often ask myself why me? What did I do to deserve this, was my body just not enough why did he want me what did he see me I don’t think I will ever understand why you felt love for a person like a person that till recently I always thought was a unlovable,  incapable to actually receive that form of affection

You always knew who I was from day one I’ve never had to hide from you but I had to hide from them, I left you because I wanted to say I know what it’s like to be discriminative not just by your past but for something so much more sacred so much more personal To be discriminated because of someone that you love because of someone that makes you smile because of someone that makes you feel like waking up in the morning maybe isn’t so bad

I don’t know where you are, are you safe? Are you warm? I hope you’re smiling.. I hope you’re eating well.. And I hope you know that even if I pushed myself away..

I never stopped loving you, and it eats it eats me up every single day..